From NSTP-C2

Of Crayons and Jumbo Pencils

In all honesty, after several weeks of CWTS, I still think that waking up at six in the morning on a Saturday to go to some unknown place in Taytay is much of a hassle, to say the least. However, something always seemed to bother me every morning and force me out of bed. Absurd as it may sound, it is not even the grade I will be getting.

For the past CWTS Saturdays, I have learned to love the children who come to ‘kinder class’, or, as I have fondly called it, ‘day care’. The class was made up of children whose ages ranged from three to six, and who have been taking kindergarten, if not having had no formal education yet. My groupmates and I have found ourselves in the midst of children who didn’t seem ready to interact with strangers calling themselves ‘ate’ and ‘kuya’. These were children, in the truest sense of the word.

The whole ‘day care’ idea was, of course, awkward at first. We would enter the house and find ourselves being followed by large round eyes. When we asked certain information about them, the only answer we would receive is silence. We were even lucky if they blinked. The ice seemed too thick to be broken, or probably too fragile to be broken carelessly. After all, these were children, and they don’t even know what tension is yet.

After some time though, things have greatly changed. Little by little, the children grew comfortable with us and they became more and more eager to participate in any activity we asked them to do. During our Saturday classes, we played with them, asked them to draw, helped them make paper planes, taught them how to write the alphabet… now that I think about it, we have had a good number of activities, and the children seemed to have enjoyed themselves most of the time.

I eventually found myself growing fond of the children we tutored and took care of. It was funny because it seemed to me that the ‘ate’ instinct which I used to have in high school and which I thought I had lost the moment I entered college slowly found its way out again. When we gave tutorials to the children of the adopted community in my high school, I was always more of the ‘ate’ than the teacher. Back in Taytay, I think I had not really changed. There was even a time that I had to leave the group to teach the rest of the children because I wanted to clean the wound of one of the students. It was actually just a scratch, but, well, it was enough for me to get worried.

Though I believe one of the objectives of CWTS was to help me create a new perspective on poverty and social responsibility, I don’t think it is applicable to me in any case simply because I already am aware of where I should stand. However, what it did to me is far better than that because it helped me find a part of myself that I nearly lost – a part that I believe is futile in making me the person that I hope to be.

From NSTP-C1

Who in Heaven’s Name Are We?

When I was in high school, I often asked the same question to myself. Who am I really? Who is God, and why do I have to follow what He says? Why do I have to take responsibility for other people, my ‘neighbors’? Now that I’m in college, I’m afraid I have to ask myself these questions all over again, because I seem to have forgotten the answers I came up with then.

I had to read the handout given for a number of times more before I actually knew what I wanted to write about. I had a hard time because maybe – just maybe – I knew these verses well enough that I had already forgotten what they really meant to me way back when I was looking for myself.

Who am I then? I am simply myself. I am a small person created by God for a purpose larger than I could imagine. I could be compared only to a small spark of light – a light which, given that there are a few candles around, could start a sea of lighted candles, a swarm of flickering flames. I am only small, but God created me this way so I could move around easily – slip through the barricades of minds, creep through the small holes of hearts and in doing so, putting seals of hope from where I passed through.

As a Christian, I am meant not only to live for myself, because that would be the most boring thing I would have to do if it were mandatory. Rather, I was meant to be one with the rest of the world – my friends, my loved ones, my country, my environment – so that together, we could return to God all praise that He is due. At the same time, I am meant to live with and for others because we all come from one God and Father; I am, therefore, obliged to take care of my ‘siblings’, young and undeveloped as I am. I have to do what I can.

God is not only God; He is Father, King, Master, Friend and Confidante, too. Though He is open to everything we feel like telling Him, whether it is blame, ranting or frustrations, He reminds us that we still do have a job that we have to do, a task we have to accomplish. All we have to do to get us revived when we are at our lowest is to pray. That’s it; nothing more.

Prayer, I realized through the years, doesn’t only mean the Eucharist, the Rosary, and all our memorized prayers. It is also just merely talking to Him, or even not talking to Him. It is just being with Him. Prayer is not an act; I’m sorry for my previous mistake of saying it is something we do. Prayer is a state wherein we are with Him. We don’t have to talk and be in constant communication; we just have to be with Him. This makes all the difference.

Lastly, we are nothing without God. Cliché as it may seem, it is definitely true. Life would be mere existence without Him guiding it throughout. Sometimes, being told what to do is not all that bad. Sometimes it makes life better, because unlike the usual notion, we don’t really know what we want for ourselves.

Perhaps, five minutes after I write this paper, I would think this is only crap. But I think it has always been like that. I have always known God through my unconscious mind, and when I finally get thoughts out, another side of my mind rebukes it. I don’t worry, though, because I know deep in my heart that this is truly what I believe in, and no amount of contradiction could take it away from me.

Catching 153. (Thank you, Jeff.)

(28Jun07, 04:49 a.m.)
Beloved, guide my thoughts, so that Your knowledge, not mine, may stream out from the words that I write.

*

At first reading, the Gospel may sound pretty harsh. Jesus appears to give the people who approached him only two options: to follow him, or not to bother at all. There is finality in the said choice, and, well, it seems that once one has decided to choose, there is absolutely no turning back for him.

Actually, no matter how many times one reads this Gospel, that would really be its message.

This Sunday’s Gospel teaches us the real deal about a vocation, apart from the usual things we easily associate with it. A vocation is more than a job; it is the path a person chooses to reach God. It affects one’s situations and decides if a certain action is a sin or a virtue. It decides a person’s way of life, from his appearance to his behavior. It is his way of life.

Jesus clearly emphasizes this using two points: that a vocation is both a person’s choice and decision. When He was refused to be welcomed in the Samaritan village, He rebuked James and John for wanting to call down fire from heaven and went on to journey to another village instead. Jesus does not like force. He chooses to go on because the Samaritans were not willing. Along the way, He called a few people. Since they appeared unsure to follow Him, He did not bother anymore. Following Jesus demands certainty and willingness, and the lack of any of these will eventually prove critical. With this in mind, Jesus only chooses to go on.

Today, though the term vocation is either understated or overrated, it still applies to all of us. We are baptized in Christ, and we are bound to make a decision without looking back at other options. All of us will eventually choose – or might already have chosen – the paths we are to take toward Him. I pray that we all acquire the strength to stand firm with the vocations we have chosen, and that we may have the conviction we need to resist the lures of anything that would lead us astray.

*

May we not depend on our human strength, Lord, but on Yours, because we are frail and weak against our own desires.

Post-convention thoughts. (Thank you, Paul.)

(06Jun07, 05something a.m.)

Beloved, if You will that I write this down, then let not my words pour out but Yours.

*

The Praise and Worship was one of my most anticipated activities during the Convention. I remember being excited not only because of the remarkable band but also because I felt lucky to be in the midst of people who loved Christ as fiercely as I do, if not more.

At the start of P & W, though, I was a bit saddened. I only knew a few songs and so I couldn’t sing along. This had a big impact on me, simply because music has always been my special way of praying. If I were asked to choose only one manner to praise God, I would immediately break into song and make music, without a second thought.

Having realized what I was going through, I started praying. I asked for the grace to continue praying without being disheartened. I asked for the strength to fight my sadness. I prayed, even though I didn’t know what else to ask. I just needed to pray hard.

I didn’t have to wait long for Christ’s answer. After a while, one of the songs I used to sing in high school was played. It has been a long time since I heard that song, and it slightly surprised me to hear it somewhere I didn’t actually expect. I felt so blessed that I was moved to tears.

*

You, reader, should be asking me right now: of what use was sharing my experience to you? What will you get from it?

My answer: sometimes, God chooses to show Himself in a way that is different from what we have been used to. Sometimes, He chooses to make us feel as if we have been left behind, only to find Him behind us, watching us from afar (with amusement, I’d like to imagine), patiently waiting for us to turn around. He never leaves. He has always been there.

Our God is a God of surprises. He knows completely well that routine can dampen even the biggest flames of love, so He comes up with something new to keep this love burning. He comes up with different ways, with variety. If you think about it, God is actually the most enthusiastic lover. Interesting to note, isn’t it?

The next time you feel like this, I suggest you pray. He won’t be able to stand being away from you anyway, especially when you start calling out for Him. He loves you that much.

I think I'm ready now.

Again, forgive the grammatical and typo errors if there are any. I'm only rambling and this is unedited.

---

(26May07, 10:47 p.m.)

condition vb 1: to put into proper condition or use 2: to adapt, modify, or mold to respond in a particular way

*

After my senior year in high school, I promised myself that I will never again take a position that will physically burn me out of too much passion. I promised to take care of myself, of my relationships, of my spiritual life. I promised to be good to myself. To prove my point, I put down an invitation to a stewardship, a position I never thought I'd take.

A year has passed since then. A lot of things have happened, and none of them actually made sense at first. I found myself wondering why I had to go through this, why that had to happen, the works. I was full of questions that I never really knew where to start.

Time passed, though, and the pieces eventually fit together to spell out something so obvious that I didn't have to think about it.

*

1.

They say that God makes a person go through emptiness when He is about to fill him/her with something greater.

I went through that.

2.

Big responsibilities always start with small tasks, quick favors and assisting jobs.

So far, I've done all of that, from information dissemination to oikos meetings.

3.

Paul said that when something inside you makes you feel something unusual about a certain task/responsibility, more often than not, it's yours.

I received this feeling during the Convention (that's why I didn't actually have the guts to write about it), specifically during Praise and Worship. How?

One of my favorite songs from high school was sung: The Heart of Worship. I felt nostalgic, receptive and frightened at the same time. However, it was a wonderful feeling.

*

With these said, how else can I turn away? God is always irresistible; to turn Him down would mean anguish for me. And He knows this very well.

Ergo. :)

Tomorrow, I, among the other new stewards, will swear love before God's holy altar. Tomorrow, too, we celebrate Pentecost, that beautiful moment when the Holy Spirit came upon the Apostles and changed them. I pray we receive the same zeal and strength, as well as health, so that we may do what we must to the best of our abilities and receive nothing but God's boundless grace. I pray He conditions us well so we can execute His plan exactly the way He wishes.

~ Johnina Marfa, signing in tomorrow (officially) as the new music ministry steward. May He guide me well. :)

Heart of Worship

When the music fades and all is stripped away

and I simply come

Longing just to bring something that's of worth

that will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song

for a song in itself

is not what You have required

You search much deeper within

through the way things appear

You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

and it's all about You

It's all about You, Jesus

I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it

when it's all about You

It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express

how much You deserve

Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours

Every single breath

I'll bring You more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
when it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Though I don't really talk about love.

In one of my subjects, we were asked to write an essay about a book/movie/poem/song that best describes what love for us is. Though I'm not really sure if I should be posting mine here, I will anyway.

Enjoy?

---

Love as Defined by By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept
(22Feb07, 11something a.m.)

“But love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.
For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn’t even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control” (Coelho, 1998).

Love has always been one of the most exhausted themes in literature. However, in most works that I’ve read, its essence has already been twisted, oftentimes wrongly depicted as the cliché that it seemingly is: two people meet each other, become comfortable, fall in love, encounter problems, resolve said problems and live happily ever after. Voila, a love story.

Coelho’s By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept, however, is different. I have never encountered a book that described love as vividly and as accurately this did. It presented love not only as the cliché that it is, but as something more divine. It was shown as something that transcends even human understanding, something that involves not only the couple but also Someone greater than anything else: God.

Being the devout that I am, I actually considered writing about one of my favorite verses in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13). Paul writes to the Corinthians about how sacred love is, and how it should be treated with reverence. I love these verses because, though Paul did not use that much images to drive his point through, he had explained the concept so well. In relation to Coelho’s work, I would say he had explained the concept with the same line of thought, only with a lot more images. This is exactly why I love the book.

Moreover, it has presented love quite realistically, unlike most cliché love stories in which readers are fully aware of its unrealism, and thus, do not strike them as much.

I’d like to end with a few more lines from the book, ones that I feel will truly justify the point I have made:

“… The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all the inhibitions and preconceptions of their era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called ‘the madness of saintliness’. They have been joyful – because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender (emphasis added)” (Coelho, 1998).

Pilar, the main character of the novel, had said, “All love stories are the same.” Whether they be of a man and a woman, a mother and her child, or a God and His prophet, love will always be the fire blazing between these two individuals, forcing them to submit to its power.

“All love stories are the same.”

Lent is indeed about to start.

My language is awkward, and my ramblings are worthless. But I promised myself that I'd post this online, hence, this blog. There's not much sugar coating on it, but I guess it's better this way.

---

(20Feb07, 12something a.m.)

Finally, I let this out. What has happened to me?

The thing is, I don’t know either.

“I do believe, but help me trust.”

*

Last Sunday’s Boat session was about PRAYER, and how it should be regular to build a certain relationship with God. In the course of the discussion, I suddenly felt an invisible slap in the face.

I recalled how things were in high school, how I was then, and how much I’ve changed. In all honesty, I wanted to cry. I wanted to grieve over who I am now and how I so mindlessly let my relationship with Him slip away. I was already close to that communion, that intimacy which all Christians should continually strive for, and yet I simply let go, without even giving it a conscious thought. I just left… just like that.

*

Paul talked about SPIRITUAL DRYNESS during the Boat. He had mentioned that this is necessary for spiritual growth, and that when a person reaches this period, he should strive hard to be in His presence again.

I remember experiencing this dryness when I was in high school. I would go through my usual tasks and prayers, despite the feelings of absurdity and emptiness these would give me. Words were never able to describe how I felt. I tried to read through my old reflections and check what I had to say about it, but I found none. Back then, it was already too complex a feeling.

The dryness I’m feeling now is actually no different.

St. John of the Cross described this as “the dark night of the soul”. Honestly, I don’t want to agree with him simply because I’m biased. I love the night and the mystery it holds.

Rather, I want to call it… quicksand.

Falling into it is dangerous, to say the least. This dryness consumes a person’s soul gradually, continuously. He may try to struggle against it, but all efforts will be futile – it will only speed up the process. He does nothing, however, and he will still experience the same fate.

Only God can save us from spiritual dryness.

He is our only chance of rescue because He is the only One standing on firm ground. We only have to ask for help, and He will throw us the rope: the grace of prayer.

*

Last Sunday, God did more than He actually should for me: He Himself tied the rope around me to pull me to safety, since I was not even aware of where I was. My eyes were closed, my ears played deaf; if He had not pulled me back…

Well, I wouldn’t know that anymore. :)

**

Beloved,

Right now, I do not know what to say. I have grown so apart from You that I feel I do not know You anymore. Do I? I only feel guilt and shame. How could I have betrayed Your love when it’s already perfect, even more than sufficient?

I know, I have done You grave wrong. There are even no words to use for apology. I have… simply drifted away.

I guess I should thank Paul and the other FCCYers for leading me back to You. Err, no. Let me rephrase that. I should thank them for helping me feel Your nudges, Your undying effort to bring me back in Your arms. Truly You are wonderful. How could I have ever overlooked that?

Beloved, instead of apologizing, I want to thank You. Thanks for giving me another chance to rekindle my love for You. Thanks for showing me how important I am to You – You have always known that I am in constant need of assurance. Thanks for remembering.

Thank You, too, for never giving up on me. Frankly speaking, I could easily give several reasons for You to just get up and look for someone else, but, well, You chose to stay.

Jesus, only You know just how much I love You, and how much I yearn to bring back what I had with You.

Help me, Beloved. Help me. Just as the father had said in the Gospel, “I do believe, but help me trust,” I need you still. You know how weak humans get.

I love you, Jesus. Help me win Your communion back.